


I Won't Lose You

by GaHoolianGirl



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: And if Beth or Carver is a Warden that's 2 ppl in their life with a soft time limit on their lives, Blue Hawke (Dragon Age), Dragon Age II - Act 3, Dragon Age II - Legacy DLC, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, In the beginning of it before shit gets really real, M/M, Relationship Discussions, So I have my Hawke and Anders talk about it, So basically I played through Legacy again and realized Hawke doesn't know about the Calling, Until the events of the DLC so they could be with Anders for YEARS and not know, Warrior Hawke (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:22:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25136104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaHoolianGirl/pseuds/GaHoolianGirl
Summary: While ideally he would leave all memory of what happened below Vimmark behind him, excluding what he learned of his father, there was one thing Killian Hawke had learned of during that experience that would forever haunt him.The Calling.That in time, not far off enough for his liking, Bethany and Anders would be taken from him, and there wasn't a Maker damned thing he could do about it.He lost his father to illness, his brother to darkspawn, his mother to a deranged murderer, and soon the rest of his family would be lost to the taint insidethemselves.The joke among his friends that he was cursed seemed all too real, now.
Relationships: Anders/Hawke (Dragon Age), Anders/Male Hawke
Kudos: 13





	I Won't Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooooo, seeing me jumping back into DA you'd expect Zevran fic, and that's actually not off the table lol. But I replayed Legacy and this idea haunted me after Anders and Beth explained the Calling to Killian. I normally make Beth a Circle Mage so she's at least close to my Hawke, but I decided to shake up it up which made me very emo, especially after realizing this.
> 
> You don't need to know much more about Killian than that he's Blue here, since his more unique aspects aren't in focus, the only thing is that to him family and maintaining relationships is his TOP priority, even, and often usually, at a detriment to himself.

While ideally he would leave all memory of what happened below Vimmark behind him, excluding what he learned of his father, there was one thing Killian Hawke had learned of during that experience that would forever haunt him.

The Calling.

That in time, not far off enough for his liking, Bethany and Anders would be taken from him, and there wasn't a Maker damned thing he could do about it.

He lost his father to illness, his brother to darkspawn, his mother to a deranged murderer, and soon the rest of his family would be lost to the taint inside _themselves._

The joke among his friends that he was cursed seemed all too real, now.

His disquiet at this revelation was not lost to his beloved, that pained look in his eye was unmistakable, but he refrained from saying anything until they returned. The adrenaline of fighting Corypheus had long since worn off, and they had returned to Kirkwall in one piece, somehow. Varric had returned home and Bethany had returned to the Wardens after some parting words, leaving Anders and Killian alone in the main hall.

Alone.

"...I'm sorry I made you return to the Deep Roads, love," Killian began, staring at the fireplace. The words _Before it is your time, apparently,_ danced on his lips, but he managed to hold them back.

But between some people, things needn't be said to be understood.

Anders had a habit of looking ashamed of himself at most times, but he doubled down on the expression now, playing with the feathers on his pauldron to keep his hands busy, "I'm sorry for never telling you- About the Calling, I mean. I just thought that if I told you it'd... it'd break your heart. Guess I was right. I should have told you, I was just so _scared_ of how you would react."

Killian wanted to be angry, that something this important had been withheld from him- he planned to spend his _whole life_ with Anders! He signed his _sister_ away to the order to _save_ her, only to _doom_ her in another way! There was a time limit on the people he loved most!

...but as quickly as his temper flared, it dispersed. He had known Anders for seven years, and knew that he was beating himself up over this harder than any berating Killian could give. That he had to think long and hard about that inevitably before he even agreed to be with him. It shouldn't have been withheld, but that was not done without reason.

But this realization far from appeased Killian; his heart felt worse now. Anders bore this burden, the knowledge that even if he escaped the templars or his own possession, he could not fully enjoy the future he had earned.

"I'm not angry," Killian tried to keep his tone level, but his throat clenched and his voice wavered, "I'm just upset that, eventually, you and Bethany will be taken from me like everyone else. I'm scared to lose you."

"Hawke- Killian," Anders reached out an unsteady hand to caress his lover's cheek like he always did, a gesture that had become standard between them. His rough, well worked hand pressed against Killian's stubbled cheeks combined with his familiar scent of lyrium and elfroot became too much for the Champion to bear. He reached out his arms and pulled his beloved mage against his chest to hide his watering eyes.

"Anders, Anders, _Anders,_ " he murmured against the very man's ear, who had attached his hands to Killians shoulder blades and held on for dear life, "I couldn't bear to lose you. To the templars, to Justice, or to your taint."

He felt Anders try to pull away, "Then you should find someone who-"

Before he could finish, Killian held him even tighter, preventing his escape, "None of that. Would I be scared to lose you if I didn't want you by my side? Any pain you could cause me would be far less than the pain I would feel if you were not with me at all. Please, _don't leave me too._ "

With that statement, he burst, tears falling in a way they hadn't since he had lost his mother, in private. No one still living had ever seen him cry like this, as he resolved that he would be the strength of those he loved, even at a burden to himself. 

But the thought of being left behind by the man who was his greatest joy was far too much.

"Killian, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." The wet waver in Anders' voice betrayed his own tears, "That I'm like this. That even for all my powers of healing, what I'm best at is hurting myself and others. I'll never be deserving of you, but I couldn't stand to leave you."

"It's not about deserving, I love you and that's all there is to it. There's no getting rid of me now," he pulled away enough so they could look at each other's tear stained faces, which finally summoned the first smile he had in days, "Look at us."

"What a sorry sight you are, though I'm sure I'm not much better," Anders replied, a tinge of mirth in his voice, a welcome sound to Killian, who reached up to tug out the string holding most of Anders' hair back, letting it fall down over his hand, "Let's head to bed. We still have things we need to talk about, but for the moment I could sleep for a week, at the very least."

"Agreed... and thank you, love."

Anders allowed himself to be led up the stairs by the hand by Killian, who revelled in the feeling of contact between their palms. No matter what might happen, whatever the future had in store, it was moments like this that made it worth it.

Gazing at the haggard, ruggedly handsome face of his beloved as they walked towards the bedroom, Killian Hawke swore that he would not fail to protect his loved ones again ever again.

From the darkspawn, madmen, or themselves.•

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought! These two do not perhaps have the healthiest relationship in the world, but they are trying their damndest anyway. Killian took YEARS to develop but I think I've got him to a decent point, so he'll probably show up again at some point.


End file.
